We don't always get what we want

I understand that this is just as hard for you as it is for me to say this but maybe being friends just isn't what we need right now. What we had was great but what we have now is worst. Its always best to kill a relationship once it goes sour. There is no need to kick the dead horse. You can look at me in the eye...It pains you to make decent conversation... Instead of trying to sooth your guilty feelings let go of it now...Its better done now than later. You cant stop thinking of what you did every time you look at me. Please let go of me. Its not helping you make this any better but in fact its worst. And after a while you wont even be around to worry about me...You don't like me anymore so lets leave it at that. Maybe its for the best. Neither of us have made rash emotional decisions, both of us have done what we believe is best for both of us so maybe this time we do the same and sever all ties to each other. I have no intentions of causing you any more anguish than I already have. Lets make this easier on both. Don't try to make this work. There is no hope, you are trying to make yourself feel better but in reality its making this worst. We cant deny the past but we can make a well thought out and logical decision for the future. I miss you I really do but acting on emotions is rash and impractical so its best that we don't do this anymore.

What is wrong?

I mean there has to be something fundamentally wrong with me in order to not be able to hold on to a relationship. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. I am not clingy I am not stalkerish or possessive. Then why do relationships slip through my fingers. I couldn't even see past the weekend in a relationship. Am I that undesirable. They all want to be my friends. Yeah we all know what that means. "I like you but not that much." so that's it I always get shafted in the "FRIENDS" category. This cant be right I mean, what is wrong with me. I might not be the most beautiful women on earth but there has to be something else desirable about me. The last guy I went out with liked me for 6 months and then a week later shafted me. That's right he outright dumped me . Man do I have it bad. He didn't want to hurt me was his excuse but guess what he did ( yeah I don't need to hit the nail on the head for that one.) and I am not going to blame him either, I was scared .I didn't want to start something and then be hurt, but I gave in eventually and now he wants to say no and ( this is the best part * sarcastic*) he wants to be friends. That's right the good ol' lets be friends routine. Yeah right who are you kidding. You don't want me then I am not going to hang around till you tell me to get the hell out of here. Once again I am not going run with the tail between my legs. I know when I am not needed. I am not as stupid as I come off. I am not dense either. I can take a hint. Its the universal truth guys can never be platonic. But I mean what was I a passing fancy. If I was an itch that you wanted to scratch then why the hell didn't you say so. Why didn't you figure out that you didn't want me earlier?

Is it just me?

or do I love drama. You tell me if I am making this up. My ex wanted to be friends and I didn't want him to have the satisfaction of letting him know how much it affected me to be friendly to him. I had questions that I wanted to talk about he would just tell me to take it like a man.( you know what I am not). I am starting to think I might not have liked what I was with him. I wasn't myself, I had become domestic. No I took interest in all things he liked but I was never considered( I was supported but he never took an interest, not even asked me a question, he would tell me to stop if I tried to explain), how did I think that it was perfect, NO I want someone who will more than support me. I want honesty but I also want openness. I could have left him a long time but I didn't have the heart. I loved being in a relationship the most. So the drama is that he complains that I don't talk to him as often well what exactly did he want me to do. I have a job and I have school and I don't have time for myself, I am not going to take time out of my schedule to talk to him. He thinks I am ignoring him on purpose, well conversation works both ways if you don't have anything to tell me then get the hell out of my life, I don't have time to waste on you or anything. My life is at a life and death situation I don't have time for you. If you really are my friend you would understand. I am sorry but you are my past and if you want to be my present then you need to play a more important role in my life, I need to be able to talk to you, not get responses like" life is good, nothing much happened in life" I understand that you don't go to school but even when you did you didn't have much to tell me. I cant carry a conversation with just myself I do that all the time I bore my self if you don't want to tell me anything in your life then don't expect me to work so hard to keep a relationship where you told me you don't want me. I understand I will let people walk all over me but it was very selfish of you to take advantage of me like that to help your own cause. You hurt me and I hate having my defenses broken down. if you are hurt as well why you cant tell me is beyond. i wish you wouldnt have called me your gf and just called me your friends with benifits. i can deal with that but a gf it was a little harder.i hope you are sorry that you caused me so much pain, you might never read it but its out there if you ever do you will understand.

Don't cling to your past. Ever. Don't cling to the comfort it may ensure or hide in the security it seems to promise. For there is always, always a reason, your past never made it to your future.

hmmm....

Ok so update on my life, not that its interesting. Well wait I heard some people do read my blog's how cool is that. Ok so a recap on the last episode of my life, still not over him. But I guess much better on the hurt feeling, though it creeps up once in a while. But right now I don't have time to think about it, or him for that matter. I am extremely busy making a life for myself. I am Turing a new leaf. How so you ask well let me count the ways:

• I gave up alcohol for lent. Yes my friend you heard it straight from the horses mouth. I gave up alcohol for 40 days and 40 nights. No I am not pulling anyone's leg I am not joking. Its true. But its not as bad as I though. I get to see everyone drunk and its hilarious. For once I get to be the person who tells you what happened the night before.(LOL)
• I am trying to get into shape. Cant really say much about that. I just wanted to do more than sit on my ass and be me all day I wanted to be the power women who can life weights as she is having a conversation about politics and economics of the international world. ( yes I am talking about me, the weights might be 2.5 lbs and the convo might only be limited to the countries of which I have some knowledge of but still I would feel empowered )
• my next thing is start working at school stuff. I really need to. Crunch time as you can tell. This is the time all students get graby about grades and extra credit like its an end-of-season sale at express. I swere I need to buckle down and study. no more of this parting and drinking for me. Oh no sir I am turning a new leaf. So I am going to do this
• next I am going to stop eating out and (*sob*..*snif*...*tear*) shopping. Yes I am going to stop shopping. I cant afford my extravagant lifestyle anymore( its not like I am a shop-a-holic, I just need to control how much of the greens I spend. I cant be too generous you see. No more of the justification that I can buy that as a gesture of good will to myself. Yeah no I need to set goals now. If I lose 5 lbs ill buy myself something good till then we shall see. I know my weight shouldn't be a tracker but I have packed on a pounds a little and my mother calls me fat so I guess its a sign

that's about it. Aspirations for me. Update about my life, I guess its to who ever is keeping track of the drama called "Anu's life".

PS: glad to have been entertainment.

what do i want for my birthday

i dont know what i want i have never asked for anything usually. but this time i know what i want, i want him, i want him to say he misses me, and wishes that i was with him. i dont understand myself, i am tired of this but the emotional baggage is still there. i miss him and i want him back. i dont care i am not interested in anyone else, i am not in the mood to date, i dont wish to be setup. everyone wants to settle my life for me but i am still hurting from what happened. i know they mean well and wish i wasnt hurting. but i am and there is nothing anyone can do about it. this is something i need to deal with work with and live with. i love him i do very much and i always will. i dont think anyone stops loving a person when they leave they just love them a little less, to make room for the hurt.

The new year

So the last year didn't end as I wanted it to made a mess of things and y cuz I had issues ,that I didn't want to whole world to know. But I brought this year in well, went to the temple had a wonderful dance performance and was very happy with myself. Last year was a hard year, I lost something very close to me, I hurt a lot, I found out things about me I didn't know, I loved and lost and waiting to be stronger. I made many friends and lost a few, had many new experiences and loved every moment of my life good or bad, cuz if it weren't for the good and bad I wouldn't be who I am.
but this year is gonna be different, I am going to be stronger, more focused, more protective of myself. This year feels different, like something is going to happen, something big, like my life is going to change I don't know but this year seem right. This is the year of the BIG 21 so I plan on having a huge bash to celebrate this milestone. I am expecting things to change with my dance, maybe have more freedom to try different thing, learn a lot, maybe even choreograph something. And school is going to have to change also. I need to work more harder and concentrate, on more winging my classes and being lazy about work. It needs to be done and it will be. Anyway with a dreams of a wonderful year to come, hope for a good time and a tune in my heart I want to say
WELCOME 2006 !!!!!!!

I DONT CARE

ok i am not going to pine over you any more. u are on ur own. i dont care anymore. if u dont have the intelligence to see how much i love u and miss u, then i am not going to be the one to knock it into ur head. i am tired, i cant keep wait and some where in the back of my mind i think u wanted this to happen. u know what i dont care anymore i really dont i learnt my lesson next time no emotions nothing. i dont care anymore i dont. i know its gonna hurt but i dont care. this friendship thing works only 2 ways and if u dont want to do it then screw u i really dont have time for u anymore. i am not going to wait i never should have thought so highly of u. u were very selfish and hurtful.i went out of my way to be strong but now i want u out of my life and never come back. its easier that way. i will never have to bother about u and try and expect another answer to all my questions other than "ok" . u hurt me once i am not going to put myself in such a position where u can hurt me again. i am not going to do this to myself again.

but who am i kidding u and i both know that i cant not care. unfortunetly i care too much, but my only wish is that u read this sometime.